August 14, 2005
Gimme an H! Gimme an E! Gimme an L!...
I couldn't help but be struck by this week's heartwarming story of - yes, it's true - crimefighting cheerleaders. Apparently during an outdoor practice session at a cheerleading camp in Ann Arbor, Michigan, the cheerleading squad for Lincoln High School witnessed a car accident, and their eagle-eyed coach saw the license plate of a vehicle that left the scene. Lacking a pen and paper (but sporting a nifty chrome whistle on a lanyard), Coach Patricia Clark yelled the license number to her eager squad, who, according to squad captain Kimmie Ostrowski, began "saying it over and over, and then it just turned into a big chant since we kept repeating it."
Based on the license number provided by the eager cheerleaders (is there any other kind of cheerleader, really?), police were able to nab the would-be hit-and-runner, a truck driver whose one encounter with a group of eager teenage cheerleaders ended up more like an episode of COPS than a letter to Penthouse.
But wait - there's more. Hell Toupee's crack legal team was able to acquire a transcript of the interview Ann Arbor's Finest conducted with the Lincoln High School cheerleading squad, which offers a refreshingly optimistic view of how Today's Youth is turning out.
In Other News
A Korean man managed last week to prove that video games can kill you. At least, if you're stupid enough to forego food, rest, and other functions of normal life to play them.
But maybe that's an amateur attitude on my part. Maybe I don't take video games seriously enough. I mean, I'm nowhere near as committed to gaming as the deceased man was, given that he had recently quit his job "to spend more time playing games." You gotta respect that level of commitment.
If nothing else, at least this man's efforts have defined and quantified the edge of the envelope, so to speak. Apparently, 50 straight hours of video games is about as much as a man can take before keeling over dead.
Good to know.
The Daily Haiku
Acknowledging the revelation that when it comes to fighting crime, the pom-pom can be mightier than the sword.
Recommended Reading
Ransom - Jay McInerny
Don't be fooled by the title - this is not a book about kidnapping. An older effort by the author who brought us Bright Lights, Bit City, this is a dark right-of-passage book set in Japan, where a Westerner named Ransom seeks (and ultimately finds) a cathartic experience through immersion in the martial arts. Stirring writing and an ending you're not prepared for make for a truly distinctive book, unlike anything McInerney has offered before or since.
Based on the license number provided by the eager cheerleaders (is there any other kind of cheerleader, really?), police were able to nab the would-be hit-and-runner, a truck driver whose one encounter with a group of eager teenage cheerleaders ended up more like an episode of COPS than a letter to Penthouse.
But wait - there's more. Hell Toupee's crack legal team was able to acquire a transcript of the interview Ann Arbor's Finest conducted with the Lincoln High School cheerleading squad, which offers a refreshingly optimistic view of how Today's Youth is turning out.
Key to abbreviations:
• AAPD = Ann Arbor Police Department
• LHSCS = Lincoln High School Cheerleading Squad
• KO = Kimmie Ostrowski, squad captain
-------------------------------------------------
AAPD: Could you tell us, please, which way the vehicle went?
KO: And ready! And set!
LHSCS: Two, four, six, eight! He turned left on Southwest Tate! Two, four, six, eight! He turned left on Southwest Tate!
AAPD: I see. And did you happen to get the license number of the vehicle?
KO: And ready! And set!
LHSCS: Six, eleven, GVA! Hit that car and drove away! Six, eleven, GVA! Hit that car and drove away! Six, elev--
AAPD: Thank you. Ahem - THANK YOU! I think we got it. 611GVA. Thanks. Oh, and Kimmie, that back-flip into a split was a nice touch at the end. Very impressive. Okay, here's another question for you: were you able to get a look at the driver? Could you give us any idea what he looked like?
KO: And ready! And set!
LHSCS: How now, brown cow? Big fat guy with monobrow! How now, brown cow? Big fat guy with monobrow!
AAPD: (shouting) OKAY! GOT IT! (speaking) I mean, we got it. Thanks. (to coach) Um, say, Coach Clark? Could I maybe borrow that whistle for a minute? Thanks. (to squad) Okay, girls - just a few more questions. Somebody mentioned that the driver who left the scene was wearing a baseball cap. Did any of you notice what color it was?
KO: And ready! And set! Gimme a B!
LHSCS: B!
KO: Gimme an L!
LHSCS: L!
KO: Gimme a U!
LHSCS: U!
KO: Gimme an E!
LHSCS: E!
KO: What's that spell?
LHSCS: Blue!
KO: What's that spell?
LHSCS: Blue!
KO: I can't hear you!
LHSCS: BLUE!
KO: Say it again!
LHSCS: BLUE!
AAPD: (blows whistle) Okay, girls - we get it. The guy had a blue cap. Thanks. (aside to another officer) Thank God the freaking thing wasn't chartreuse.
KO: What was that, officer?
AAPD: Ahem - nothing. Okay girls, I think we got what we need. Thank you very much for your help. If you think of anything else, don't hesitate to call. (to coach) Here's your whistle, ma'am. (to squad) Thanks again, girls. Goodbye.
KO: And ready! And set!
LHSCS: (sung) Na-na-naah-nahh, na-na-naah-nahh, hey hey hey, good-bye! Na-na-naah-nahh, na-na-naah-nahh, hey hey hey, good-bye!
In Other News
A Korean man managed last week to prove that video games can kill you. At least, if you're stupid enough to forego food, rest, and other functions of normal life to play them.
But maybe that's an amateur attitude on my part. Maybe I don't take video games seriously enough. I mean, I'm nowhere near as committed to gaming as the deceased man was, given that he had recently quit his job "to spend more time playing games." You gotta respect that level of commitment.
If nothing else, at least this man's efforts have defined and quantified the edge of the envelope, so to speak. Apparently, 50 straight hours of video games is about as much as a man can take before keeling over dead.
Good to know.
The Daily Haiku
Acknowledging the revelation that when it comes to fighting crime, the pom-pom can be mightier than the sword.
Who Needs CSI?
Could Bonnie and Clyde's
crime spree have been cut short by
eager cheerleaders?
Recommended Reading
Ransom - Jay McInerny
Don't be fooled by the title - this is not a book about kidnapping. An older effort by the author who brought us Bright Lights, Bit City, this is a dark right-of-passage book set in Japan, where a Westerner named Ransom seeks (and ultimately finds) a cathartic experience through immersion in the martial arts. Stirring writing and an ending you're not prepared for make for a truly distinctive book, unlike anything McInerney has offered before or since.
