June 23, 2005
Tom's Guilty Secret
Tom Cruise is in love. Tom Cruise is really REALLY in love. We're talking big freaking love, here. Capital L-O-V-E. Really.
By now anybody who owns a TV, radio, or computer is no doubt aware that Tom Cruise has been essentially shouting from the highest rooftops about his newfound love for young actress Katie Holmes. He's literally taken his love story on the talk show circuit, making headlines for his unabashed proclamations of the L word on both Oprah and Leno, often while bouncing around on the furniture like Tigger on crack. Clearly, Tom wants us to know - to really freaking KNOW - that he is IN LOVE.
Does this smell funny to anybody? I'm not talking about the assumption many are making: that this is all to help hype his movie. No, to me - being, after all, a guy - this seems like something else entirely.
To me, this seems like the World's Biggest Apology.
Think about it. If you're a guy, at some point in your life, you've screwed things up in your love life. Probably more than once. And when you do, not only do you have to apologize - you have to do something to make up for whatever you did wrong. The more this act of contrition A) costs you (either emotionally or monetarily), and B) glorifies her, the more quickly you'll be forgiven.
When you mess up, you gotta 'fess up.
This is simply how it is in relationships. We may have different methods, but the end result is the same. After screwing up, acts of public contrition are required.
For example, in my household, on the extremely rare instances when I screw up, it is not uncommon for the following exchange to take place.
At this point The Betrothed smiles smugly. Variations on this theme occur based on the proportionate level of rightness and wrongness; for a particularly grievous offense, it is not uncommon for me to be compelled to open the front door, step out on the porch, and bellow I WAS WRONG to all within earshot. For some reason I don't get invited to many barbecues on our block...
Ah, but I see that the Digression Meter is glowing red, so let's get back to Tom.
The upshot is, I'm betting that Our Pal Tom screwed up bigtime with young Ms. Holmes - SO bigtime that he had to issue the Mother Of All Public Apologies, through an act of contrition so public, so extreme, so over-the-top that it makes the old "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" campaign seem like child's play.
Life in the million-dollar doghouse
But that stands to reason; this is, after all, Tom Cruise. While a schlub like you or me might get by with some roses or chocolate, or perhaps a day of shoe shopping, with a guy of Tom's level of hugeness, the stakes are significantly higher. Roses from Tom are meaningless - the guy could buy a freaking florist's shop with what he earned in interest while you were reading this. No, a guy like Tom has to aim higher. A guy like Tom has to go on Oprah. A guy like Tom has to go on Leno.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that Tom doesn't love Katie. Hell, he must love her, or he wouldn't be willing to endure such public moments of romantic geekiness. I'm just saying that he did something that got Ms. Holmes royally pissed off.
Hard to picture, isn't it? I mean, she's a young twenty-something who's living the life of a princess, marrying one of the richest, most famous, most successful (and, from what I've heard, not entirely hard on the eyes) cultural icons the US has ever produced. She should be thanking her lucky stars, right? What on earth could Tom have done that was so wrong? That, as some famous poet guy said, is the question.
But Hell Toupee's crack team of statistical analysts have put their bulging foreheads together, and have reported back with their findings. They have come up with a list of offenses so heinous, so unspeakable, that the only obvious way to express sufficient remorse would be to get all smarmy on national TV while treating a talk show host's sofa like a trampoline. Submitted for your approval...
...the TOP TEN WAYS TOM MIGHT HAVE PISSED OFF KATIE
In Other News
If my blog stops abruptly, it's because I will have clawed my eyes out after having read one too many stories about the runaway freaking bride. No más! No más!
The Daily Haiku
A poem that assumes nothing about the reader's cultural awareness:
Nicely Put:
The younger, fatter [man] made a noise that sounded like a donkey trying to pass a kidney stone
Harry Hunsicker: Still River
By now anybody who owns a TV, radio, or computer is no doubt aware that Tom Cruise has been essentially shouting from the highest rooftops about his newfound love for young actress Katie Holmes. He's literally taken his love story on the talk show circuit, making headlines for his unabashed proclamations of the L word on both Oprah and Leno, often while bouncing around on the furniture like Tigger on crack. Clearly, Tom wants us to know - to really freaking KNOW - that he is IN LOVE.
Does this smell funny to anybody? I'm not talking about the assumption many are making: that this is all to help hype his movie. No, to me - being, after all, a guy - this seems like something else entirely.
To me, this seems like the World's Biggest Apology.
Think about it. If you're a guy, at some point in your life, you've screwed things up in your love life. Probably more than once. And when you do, not only do you have to apologize - you have to do something to make up for whatever you did wrong. The more this act of contrition A) costs you (either emotionally or monetarily), and B) glorifies her, the more quickly you'll be forgiven.
When you mess up, you gotta 'fess up.
This is simply how it is in relationships. We may have different methods, but the end result is the same. After screwing up, acts of public contrition are required.
For example, in my household, on the extremely rare instances when I screw up, it is not uncommon for the following exchange to take place.
Yours truly: You were right.
The Betrothed: What was that?
Yours truly: Ahem. I said, you were right
The Betrothed: And you were...?
Yours truly: I was wrong.
The Betrothed: I'm sorry - I think I missed that. So what you're saying is that I was...
Yours truly: RIIIIIGHT.
The Betrothed: Which of course means that you were...
Yours truly: WRONNNNNG.
At this point The Betrothed smiles smugly. Variations on this theme occur based on the proportionate level of rightness and wrongness; for a particularly grievous offense, it is not uncommon for me to be compelled to open the front door, step out on the porch, and bellow I WAS WRONG to all within earshot. For some reason I don't get invited to many barbecues on our block...
Ah, but I see that the Digression Meter is glowing red, so let's get back to Tom.
The upshot is, I'm betting that Our Pal Tom screwed up bigtime with young Ms. Holmes - SO bigtime that he had to issue the Mother Of All Public Apologies, through an act of contrition so public, so extreme, so over-the-top that it makes the old "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" campaign seem like child's play.
Life in the million-dollar doghouse
But that stands to reason; this is, after all, Tom Cruise. While a schlub like you or me might get by with some roses or chocolate, or perhaps a day of shoe shopping, with a guy of Tom's level of hugeness, the stakes are significantly higher. Roses from Tom are meaningless - the guy could buy a freaking florist's shop with what he earned in interest while you were reading this. No, a guy like Tom has to aim higher. A guy like Tom has to go on Oprah. A guy like Tom has to go on Leno.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that Tom doesn't love Katie. Hell, he must love her, or he wouldn't be willing to endure such public moments of romantic geekiness. I'm just saying that he did something that got Ms. Holmes royally pissed off.
Hard to picture, isn't it? I mean, she's a young twenty-something who's living the life of a princess, marrying one of the richest, most famous, most successful (and, from what I've heard, not entirely hard on the eyes) cultural icons the US has ever produced. She should be thanking her lucky stars, right? What on earth could Tom have done that was so wrong? That, as some famous poet guy said, is the question.
But Hell Toupee's crack team of statistical analysts have put their bulging foreheads together, and have reported back with their findings. They have come up with a list of offenses so heinous, so unspeakable, that the only obvious way to express sufficient remorse would be to get all smarmy on national TV while treating a talk show host's sofa like a trampoline. Submitted for your approval...
...the TOP TEN WAYS TOM MIGHT HAVE PISSED OFF KATIE
10. Inadvertently calling her Nicole while in the throes of passion.
9. Popping a copy of "Eyes Wide Closed" into the DVD player when Katie suggests they just stay home and watch a romantic movie.
8. Making her convert to Scientology.
7. Inadvertently calling her Penelope while in the throes of passion.
6. Leaving a tape in the VCR that has footage from an ancient Entertainment Tonight interview, in which Tom proclaims that all primetime TV is "utter crap," and that the "godawful teen drama" Dawson's Creek is an example of "unbelievably horrible writing and even worse acting."
5. Spontaneously doing the Risky Business dance, clad only in sunglasses and boxer shorts - at a funeral for one of Katie's relatives.
4. Inadvertently calling her Tom while in the throes of passion.
3. Berating her for not being able to quote freely from movies he starred in back when she was still in diapers.
2. Elaborating in his Entertainment Tonight interview that "at least that chick who plays Jen on Dawson's Creek* is pretty hot." Tom unknowingly compounds this offense by following this remark with animal growls, leering at the camera while pawing at the air like a randy jungle cat.
* (the sultry bad-girl blonde who posed serious romantic competition for Katie's wholesome character)
1. Inadvertently calling her Jen while in the throes of passion.
In Other News
If my blog stops abruptly, it's because I will have clawed my eyes out after having read one too many stories about the runaway freaking bride. No más! No más!
The Daily Haiku
A poem that assumes nothing about the reader's cultural awareness:
Closed Captioned for the Hearing Impaired
Tom Cruise is in love.
Love love love love LOVE LOVE LOVE.
TOM CRUISE IS IN LOVE.
Nicely Put:
The younger, fatter [man] made a noise that sounded like a donkey trying to pass a kidney stone
Harry Hunsicker: Still River
