June 19, 2005
So You Want To Be (able to talk to) a Rock n’ Roll Star
Oh. My. God.
Mötley Hairsnake is in town for their Aqua Net-sponsored reunion tour, and you were the fourteenth caller to correctly identify the title of their third album - you know, the "concept" album where they took off their makeup and really "got real" with us. You took a shot on your cell phone on the way to work, listening as you always do to Yank and Crank In The Morning®, and holy crap, YOU WON.
The prize? Backstage passes for two to actually meet the band after the show. Backstage freaking passes! Oh. My. God.
But what do you say to these people? How do you talk to these icons whose faces you've only seen hanging on your wall, or pouting out at you from your TV screen? You've waited all these years, and now you're going to be face to face with these artists - nay, these gods. How do you avoid saying something stupid? Something insipid that they've heard from a million other fans, none of whom really cared about them the way YOU do? What if you're completely tongue-tied, and can't say anything at all?
Oh. My. God. Now you're cursing yourself for ever getting into this mess. Cursing your cell phone. Cursing Yank and Crank In The Morning®.
Cursing Yank and Crank In The Morning®? Now, hold on a minute - that's just going too far. Relax, and let the experts here at Hell Toupee coach you through this.
In my other life, I ricochet around the globe as a drummer in a rock band. And I've been doing it for a long time. So I know how to apply eyeliner without tearing up. I know which brand of Aqua Net really holds the best (it's the pink can, or nothing at all). I don't mean to boast, but I felt it necessary to establish my credentials so you could trust my advice. I've hung out with rock stars. I know how to talk to them. And now I'm going to teach you.
Rock Star 101
Let's get started. There are three basic ways to be able to communicate effectively with a rock star. To wit:
On the off chance that you are a member of the scant minority of my readers who is not an attractive woman with the physique - and, optionally, the IQ - of a Barbie Doll, I am going to explore option #3.
The Secret Language of Rock Stars
Throughout my career, I've continually been put in situations where I meet and ultimately perform with complete strangers. It's not as difficult as that may sound, in that we share not one, but two languages.
First, the language of music. It really is universal. And very exclusive. In fact, I can't tell you anything more about it, or I'd have to kill you.
But there's a second language we musicians speak: the language of the cinema.
Some history: Since the life-saving advent of the VCR - and, in later years - the DVD player, professional musicians everywhere have whiled away the hours between shows on lushly appointed tour buses stocked with prodigious supplies of beer, deli trays, and - most important of all - movies. While a not insignificant percentage of these movies fall under the category of pornography, it's the other movies I want to address with you. The single binding truth I've found in my travels is that we've all seen the same movies. And because we've been cooped up on these buses for weeks and months at a time, we've seen them all a thousand freaking times.
The result: we can quote freely, fluently, and frequently from these movies.
In fact, at a recent gig I did in Baltimore, I sustained a ten-minute conversation with a musician I had just met, consisting entirely of movie quotes. For now, let's ignore any implications generated by the fact that a person who considers himself both an "artist" and "creative" has little or nothing original to say to somebody else - let's leave that discussion for another day. Suffice to say, this common knowledge of the same movies provides a communications platform - a lingua franca, if you will - for musicians around the world to connect effortlessly with each other at a social level.
IMPORTANT: Do not, under any circumstances, actually use the term lingua franca when talking to rock stars. They will assume it is an exotic oral sex technique developed in France, and will demand that you teach it to them, so that they can later use it on an attractive woman with the physique - and, optionally, the IQ - of a Barbie Doll.
Okay, by now you're chomping at the cinematic bit. What are these movies? you ask. Spill it, already!
Relax. I was just getting to that. While there are certainly more than the ten I'm about to list, and adjustments must be made for the age of the rock stars in question, I think you'll find that you can acquire all the lingua franca you need by watching the following movies a few dozen times:
For future reference - or for those already confident in francosity of their linguas, here's a quick test.
So, how did you do?
When you're done, you can check your answers by turning your monitor upside down and reading the blue Answer Key provided below. But first look at our scoring system, which scientifically determines just how well you can expect to do when you get backstage.
In Other News
(or, Sometimes This Blog Writes Itself)
Who knew that in addition to freezing temperatures, harsh weather, and the constant threat of falling to one's grisly death, the biggest challenge facing a serious mountain climber is what Reuters has oh-so-scientifically labeled virus-laden poo?
Apparently the main thing that awaits you at the top of any famous mountain is a big pile of crap. Talk about anticlimax - you finally get up there, master of all you survey, and you gotta try to not step on any frozen turds.
Man, any urge I ever had to be a Great Adventurer has just been quelled; excreted, if you will, from this man's dreams of greatness. Sigh.
On the other hand, I think we've just found another great candidate for a band name:
Hello Cleveland! We are Virus-Laden Poo, and we're here to rock your world!
The Daily Haiku
Today's offering is a poem whose topic is ripped from today's headlines like a crumpled sheet of toilet paper.
Nicely Put:
As far as rearing children goes, the basic idea I try to keep in mind is that a child is a person. Just because they happen to be a little shorter than you doesn't mean they are dumber than you. A lot of people make that mistake, and forget how much value there is in raw intuition - and there's plenty of that in every child.
Frank Zappa: The Real Frank Zappa Book
Mötley Hairsnake is in town for their Aqua Net-sponsored reunion tour, and you were the fourteenth caller to correctly identify the title of their third album - you know, the "concept" album where they took off their makeup and really "got real" with us. You took a shot on your cell phone on the way to work, listening as you always do to Yank and Crank In The Morning®, and holy crap, YOU WON.
The prize? Backstage passes for two to actually meet the band after the show. Backstage freaking passes! Oh. My. God.
But what do you say to these people? How do you talk to these icons whose faces you've only seen hanging on your wall, or pouting out at you from your TV screen? You've waited all these years, and now you're going to be face to face with these artists - nay, these gods. How do you avoid saying something stupid? Something insipid that they've heard from a million other fans, none of whom really cared about them the way YOU do? What if you're completely tongue-tied, and can't say anything at all?
Oh. My. God. Now you're cursing yourself for ever getting into this mess. Cursing your cell phone. Cursing Yank and Crank In The Morning®.
Cursing Yank and Crank In The Morning®? Now, hold on a minute - that's just going too far. Relax, and let the experts here at Hell Toupee coach you through this.
In my other life, I ricochet around the globe as a drummer in a rock band. And I've been doing it for a long time. So I know how to apply eyeliner without tearing up. I know which brand of Aqua Net really holds the best (it's the pink can, or nothing at all). I don't mean to boast, but I felt it necessary to establish my credentials so you could trust my advice. I've hung out with rock stars. I know how to talk to them. And now I'm going to teach you.
Rock Star 101
Let's get started. There are three basic ways to be able to communicate effectively with a rock star. To wit:
1. Be an attractive woman with the physique - and, optionally, the IQ - of a Barbie Doll.
2. Have a friend with you who is an attractive woman with the physique - and, optionally, the IQ - of a Barbie Doll. Stay close to this friend at all times, and resist the efforts of black-T-shirted roadies who will try to separate you from your friend.
3. Speak the language.
On the off chance that you are a member of the scant minority of my readers who is not an attractive woman with the physique - and, optionally, the IQ - of a Barbie Doll, I am going to explore option #3.
The Secret Language of Rock Stars
Throughout my career, I've continually been put in situations where I meet and ultimately perform with complete strangers. It's not as difficult as that may sound, in that we share not one, but two languages.
First, the language of music. It really is universal. And very exclusive. In fact, I can't tell you anything more about it, or I'd have to kill you.
But there's a second language we musicians speak: the language of the cinema.
Some history: Since the life-saving advent of the VCR - and, in later years - the DVD player, professional musicians everywhere have whiled away the hours between shows on lushly appointed tour buses stocked with prodigious supplies of beer, deli trays, and - most important of all - movies. While a not insignificant percentage of these movies fall under the category of pornography, it's the other movies I want to address with you. The single binding truth I've found in my travels is that we've all seen the same movies. And because we've been cooped up on these buses for weeks and months at a time, we've seen them all a thousand freaking times.
The result: we can quote freely, fluently, and frequently from these movies.
In fact, at a recent gig I did in Baltimore, I sustained a ten-minute conversation with a musician I had just met, consisting entirely of movie quotes. For now, let's ignore any implications generated by the fact that a person who considers himself both an "artist" and "creative" has little or nothing original to say to somebody else - let's leave that discussion for another day. Suffice to say, this common knowledge of the same movies provides a communications platform - a lingua franca, if you will - for musicians around the world to connect effortlessly with each other at a social level.
IMPORTANT: Do not, under any circumstances, actually use the term lingua franca when talking to rock stars. They will assume it is an exotic oral sex technique developed in France, and will demand that you teach it to them, so that they can later use it on an attractive woman with the physique - and, optionally, the IQ - of a Barbie Doll.
Okay, by now you're chomping at the cinematic bit. What are these movies? you ask. Spill it, already!
Relax. I was just getting to that. While there are certainly more than the ten I'm about to list, and adjustments must be made for the age of the rock stars in question, I think you'll find that you can acquire all the lingua franca you need by watching the following movies a few dozen times:
Airplane
Animal House
Blazing Saddles
The Blues Brothers
Mel Brooks' History of the World
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Office Space
Pulp Fiction
Stripes
This is Spinal Tap
For future reference - or for those already confident in francosity of their linguas, here's a quick test.
The Rock Star Movie Commonality Test
Name the movies from which these immortal quotes were extracted.
1. Bring out the Gimp.
2. Chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear, and when I do, it's usually something unusual.
3. Do you mind if we dance with your dates?
4. These go to eleven.
5. I'll be honest with you, I love his music. I do - I'm a Michael Bolton fan. For my money, it doesn't get any better than when he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman."
6. It's good to be the king.
7. Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
8. Oh we got both kinds (of music). We got country AND western.
9. I fart in your general direction.
10. If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.
So, how did you do?
When you're done, you can check your answers by turning your monitor upside down and reading the blue Answer Key provided below. But first look at our scoring system, which scientifically determines just how well you can expect to do when you get backstage.
All 10 correct: Dude, your score roolz like Ozzy. You'll have no problem hanging with the band. With skills like that, you might even end up meeting an attractive woman with the physique - and, optionally, the IQ - of a Barbie Doll (the only problem is that such women have usually never seen any of those movies, so you may find you have little to talk about).
8 or 9 correct: Wow - that's pretty good! You'll probably get to spend a moment or two in conversation with Mikki or Gash. Somebody might even introduce you to Ian!
5 to 7 correct: A respectable showing. If you're diligent about it, you can probably drop a quote or two, and maybe get invited into one of the typically deep conversations rock stars conduct with each other. Just don't be pushy about it, unless of course you are an attractive woman with the physique - and, optionally, the IQ - of a Barbie Doll.
3 to 5 correct: Are you sure you even like rock n' roll? If so, you need to get thee to a Blockbuster, stat. I mean, come on - you gotta do at least a little homework if you want to hang with the elite.
1 or 2 correct: Yikes. Sorry, but it's probably time for you to give up on The Dream. Or at the very least, you should start working harder on acquiring a friend who is an attractive woman with the physique - and, optionally, the IQ - of a Barbie Doll. Failing that, consider radical cosmetic surgery.
In Other News
(or, Sometimes This Blog Writes Itself)
Who knew that in addition to freezing temperatures, harsh weather, and the constant threat of falling to one's grisly death, the biggest challenge facing a serious mountain climber is what Reuters has oh-so-scientifically labeled virus-laden poo?
Apparently the main thing that awaits you at the top of any famous mountain is a big pile of crap. Talk about anticlimax - you finally get up there, master of all you survey, and you gotta try to not step on any frozen turds.
Man, any urge I ever had to be a Great Adventurer has just been quelled; excreted, if you will, from this man's dreams of greatness. Sigh.
On the other hand, I think we've just found another great candidate for a band name:
Hello Cleveland! We are Virus-Laden Poo, and we're here to rock your world!
The Daily Haiku
Today's offering is a poem whose topic is ripped from today's headlines like a crumpled sheet of toilet paper.
Climb Ev'ry Mountain
Rodgers, Hammerstein,
why'd you not warn us about
virus-laden poo?
Nicely Put:
As far as rearing children goes, the basic idea I try to keep in mind is that a child is a person. Just because they happen to be a little shorter than you doesn't mean they are dumber than you. A lot of people make that mistake, and forget how much value there is in raw intuition - and there's plenty of that in every child.
Frank Zappa: The Real Frank Zappa Book
