Hell Toupee

The literary world was rocked last week, when the new-kid-on-the-blog Hell Toupee briefly unseated perennial favorite Buzz, Balls & Hype as the top-rated blog at Publishers Marketplace. Does this unprecedented event mark the end of a literary era, or is it merely a blip on the radar screen; a bug squashed on the windshield of the relentlessly forward-moving literary freight train that IS the Buzz, Balls & Hype blog? And can anybody diagram that previous sentence?

Always one to keep her finger on the pulse of all things literary, M.J. Rose (esteemed author of Buzz, Balls & Hype) leapt into action. Who is this guy? she wondered. And does he ever floss? For these and the answers to more hard questions, she knew there was only one thing to do. She needed to go straight to the source. To get the real skinny. To get the straight dope. To get the info straight from the horse's mouth. To walk a mile in another man's toupee, if you will.

Yes, it was time for M.J. Rose to go to hell. Toupee, that is.

Following is a partial transcript of a telephone interview conducted between the lovely and talented M.J. Rose and the bearded and none-too-svelte Keith Cronin, author of Hell Toupee.

MJR: I think I speak for a lot of us when I ask, just who are you, anyway?

KC: Well, I was born in a log cabin, and when I was just a boy, I--

MJR: Yes, well, I'm sure that's all very interesting, but more to the point: how the hell did you beat my blog last week?.

KC: (in a voice disturbingly similar to Beavis, or maybe Butthead) Huh-huh-huh! You said beat my blog. Huh-huh-huh!

MJR: *Sighs audibly*

KC: Okay, I'm sorry. I'll try to be serious. M.J. - uh, can I call you M.J.? And if I ask you that, do I have to put a period AND a question mark after the J, or is just a question mark okay?

MJR: I'm not really sure. But that's not important. What's important is--

KC: I know. You want to know how my blog...

MJR: ...beat my blog.

KC: Huh-huh-huh! You said beat my blog again. Huh-huh-huh!

MJR: *Sighs more audibly*

KC: Sorry. I'll be cool. I promise. Anyway, I think the reason my blog did so well was - to toot my own horn for a moment - the fact that my blog really speaks to the important issues.

MJR: *Makes choking sound*

KC: Are you all right? Do you need some water or something?

MJR: No, I'm fine. I just wanted to make sure I understood what you're saying. So you think your blog - and I'm quoting now - "really speaks to the important issues?"

KC: Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

MJR: I'm sorry, but in the last week or so, your blog has addressed ... issues like Tom Cruise, movies that rock stars have watched, and - wait for it - Brussels sprouts.

KC: Exactly. The important stuff. You know, what we journalists call "hard news."

MJR: We journalists?

KC: Oh, well I can see how maybe you don't really think of yourself as a journalist, since you just write about books and stuff, but I want you to know: I still respect you.

MJR: You cannot imagine my gratification to learn this.

KC: Yeah, well, I figured somebody like you probably places a lot of value on the respect of your peers.

MJR: So you and I - we're peers?

KC: Oh, absolutely. Even if you just write about books. Definitely. I mean, books are pretty cool, right?

MJR: Yes, I think books are - as you so succinctly put it - pretty cool.

KC: Cool.

MJR: All right, let's move on. I wanted to bring up a rather troubling allegation that's been brought to my attention.

KC: Um, do you mean troubling in a bad way?

MJR: Do you know a good kind of troubling?

KC: Toupee.

MJR: I think you mean touché.

KC: Yeah, whatever. I was never very good at Spanish.

MJR: Back to this allegation. I've heard from more than one source that--

KC: Look - I know there are rumors. That thing about me having hired a sweatshop in China, where hundreds of workers toil away in virtual slavery, spending twelve hours a day logged into Publishers Marketplace, clicking on my blog over and over to generate more hits than your blog. It's completely untrue. Completely.

MJR: Oh, my - I hadn't heard that.

KC: I mean, I don't know anybody in China. Nobody. Sure, I've got some - er - business acquaintances in Thailand, but that's a whole different country, am I right?

MJR: I believe you are right in asserting that China and Thailand are, indeed, different countries.

KC: Then this is about the whole mind-control thing, isn't it?

MJR: I'm sorry - did you say mind control?

KC: I knew it! I can't believe the way these rumors just snowball. I admit, I might have messed around - just a little, I hasten to add - with some, you know, subliminal messages...

MJR: You're saying your blog sends subliminal messages to your readers?

KC: *Clears throat* It was just something I messed around with a little. It's nothing really. I pulled the plug on that whole thing.



MJR: So you're not currently sending subliminal messages to your readers?

KC: Not as far as you know.

MJR: I'm sorry - what was that?

KC: Uh, no - of course not.



MJR: Well, that's a relief.

KC: Yeah, I mean, come on - it's not like I'm some kind of psycho or anything.



MJR: Then you deny having sent any negative messages to me?

KC: I don't know what you're talking about.



MJR: You never sent any e-mail comments to my blog, telling me - and again, I'm quoting - You're [sic] blog sux [sic] - my blog roolz [sic]?

KC: I - uh - wouldn't know anything about that.

MJR: It came from your e-mail address.

KC: Yeah, well, you know, today, what with all the hackers and everything...

MJR: Uh huh. Riiiiight.

KC: Yeah, well, I'm glad we cleared that up.

MJR: Well actually, none of those were the allegations to which I was referring.

KC: No? Oh - wait a minute. Now I know what this is about. I mean, just 'cause I might have experimented with some letter coding, doesn't mean I'm, like, out to get you or anything.

MJR: Letter coding?

KC: Well, that may not be the technical term. But it works like this: you choose a specific letter in a specific part of a sentence or paragraph, and you put in a hidden message. Like code, you know?

MJR: I'm not sure I follow.

KC: Well, for example, if you re-read one of my old blogs, you'd see that the second letter in the third word of the fourth sentence in each paragraph spells out something like - I don't know - maybe something like "M.J. is a poopyhead." You know - something like that.



MJR: You wrote "M.J. is a poopyhead" in one of your blogs? In ... code?

KC: You didn't notice anything like that, did you?

MJR: No, but I wasn't looking for it, so--

KC: Well, you understand, I was speaking strictly hypothetically.

MJR: So you didn't actually DO that?

KC: Not as far as you know.

MJR: What was that?

KC: Say, are you calling from a cellphone or something? You're breaking up.

At this point in the conversation, the interview was interrupted by the phone connection being lost. Probably M.J. went into a tunnel or something.

But she called right back. She's a tenacious one, that M.J. But I'll post more of our conversation in a subsequent blog.

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In Other News

Hell Toupee is offering a substantial reward for anybody who can provide the identity of the absolute freaking JACKASS who long ago determined that a work week should be five days long, while a weekend should be only two days in length. Bring this person to me, and I promise I will get medieval on him. Bigtime.

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The Daily Haiku

A poem that captures the utter angst and despair of an artist facing an impending Monday:

In Praise of More Holiday Weekends

Wish that I could spend
only four days - or just three -
working for the Man.

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Recommended Reading

Riding Lessons - Sara Gruen

Not just a "chick" book, by an author to watch out for.

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The Fine Print